When I was on kiddo No 1 and No 2, I allowed myself to believe that the babies we see on commercials exist in real life. You know the babies I am talking about - the ones sleeping peacefully with a certain diaper on (because we ALL know that the wet diaper is the leading cause of sleeplessness of babies). Or, better still - babies magically dozing off after you wash them in a bath filled with Lavender bubbles, wash them with Lavender shampoo (which will NOT make your baby cry), and then massage them gently with the Lavender body oil. Lavender calms one down... magically induces sleep...F**** you, Lavender! You don't work! Stop tricking those moms desperately trying to get their babies to go to f***ing sleep. Reality check:
Once you put your baby in a lavender bubble filled bath, keep in mind that the baby will EAT the bubbles. Then he/she will desperately cry, because apparently, Lavender is only meant for surface application. You will try to fish your baby out of the tub, but that won't work either, because now the little bugger is excited about the bubbles, cause he/she has no clue that it's those very bubbles that just made him/her trow up in the tub...
....three towels used up cleaning up the bathroom floor while your lavendered up baby was calming down in the tub... you try to wash his/her hair. Thank god and Johnson's&Johnson's for a tear free Lavender shampoo! You will gently massage the shampoo into your baby's beautiful gentle hair while trying to keep him from face down slipping into the water... And you are still waiting for the bloody Lavender to kick in. Good f***ing luck with that!
I don't think Lavender works through hair.
Now this is where you try to wash the shampoo out and all hell breaks lose. Because here's the news - even a lavendered up baby does not cooperate with water on his/her head! Good luck trying all the fancy water pails that supposedly keep the water out of the kid's eyes. They don't f***ing work because of one simple reason - no reasonable toddler will sit still while you're pushing a fancy dancy pail onto his/her forehead.
In short, no tears shampoo results in your baby crying his/her eyes out because the evil Mother is trying to wash his/her hair with WATER!!!
Next step is wrestling the baby out of the tub. Here you might be lucky and he/she has had enough and is jumping out of the tub like RIGHT NOW. "No, you evil Mother, you do not turn around to pick up a towel, I am getting out NOW. Don't mess with me - I've got Lavender all over!"
Babies will not sit snugly in a duck-yellow fluffy towel (no matter which f***ing fabric softener you use, and yes, they do come in Lavender). They will wrestle for their freedom, they will try to slip out and run around the house stark naked, because the buggers don't know they still need to get their lavender body oil to finally pass out.
So you caught your baby. You spilled half the bottle of your precious organic Lavender body oil onto your billion-count organic cotton sheets which you washed with Lavender soap and softened with Lavender fabric softener... You got some on your baby. You dressed him/her in the beautiful soft cotton PJ's with sleeping teddy bears on. As you collapse on the pile of wet towels in your bed, your face sinks into the puddle of Lavender oil, and you pass out from exhaustion, the last thing you see is your toddler running away full speed yelling "BATMAN!!!"
F*** you, Lavender!
For more information on lavender, please see the source of the picture: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lavandula
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